FIRST PERSON
Volume 2 Number 8
Out of the Spider's Web
01 August 1989

Am I a product of genetics? Circumstances? Upbringing? Or of my own decisions? Probably all four play a part, but I can control my decisions.

The writer has asked that she remain anonymous:
Homosexuality is much discussed these days. I find it hard just to sit back and say nothing when I hear it being accepted as normal for some people. I don't believe it is, because I know I have found freedom from it.

Am I a product of genetics? Circumstances? Upbringing? Or of my own decisions? Probably all four play a part, but I can control my decisions.

I was sexually assaulted and subjected to indecent exposure at a young age. This did nothing to give me respect for the opposite sex. As well as this, my father was authoritarian, and what I felt was a lack of parental affection fed the fears and the mistrust I had of men in any relationship.

That stayed with me for years and can still colour my reactions and thinking.

As I became sexually aware, I feared I might be gay. I vividly remember a moment, some years later, when a relationship started with someone of the same sex. I accepted this as confirmation that I was gay. I knew at the time I was making a decision to let evil come into my life. I justified it as being a difficult time in life. I needed someone to love me, to tell me that I was an okay person - someone who wanted what I had to offer.

A lesbian relationship continued for many months until I realized that I was caught up in a spider's web which I couldn't get out of. It was affecting my work and how I treated other people. Everything revolved around this relationship. I had given so much of myself to this person that the thought of ending it filled me with fear. I said, `I can't do it.' My conscience was telling me it was wrong but by this time I was in too deep. A battle raged inside me between what I knew in my heart to be right and what my body was telling me. It was painful, so painful that I was willing to take my life.

With the help of Christian friends I was able to see that for my sake and that of my partner and our future lives we had to break the relationship and go our separate ways. I don't pretend it was easy. If you think of giving up the thing you cherish most, you know what it is like to stop a homosexual love affair. When something is taken away, it has to be replaced by something, and for me that was the forgiveness and love of Christ. I had had a religious experience previously but it hadn't meant much to me because I had not let God heal the long-term hurts which were so deeply buried. Freedom came with real honesty about myself and a look at what had formed my personality. Part of that freedom is that I can accept full responsibility for what happened, and turn to God when temptation arises.

Even now, if I am getting along well with a woman, I can think, `Oh no, is this a sexual feeling?' At that point, instead of feeling guilty, fearing it or suppressing it, I silently and thankfully ask God to help me use my feelings to care for those around me.


Unless stated otherwise, all content on this site falls under the terms of the Creative Commons Licence 3.0